Addressed To R Mustang
by MeltingMetal315
Summary: -DISCONT- A series of heartbroken letters sent to an ex-lover with another sent back. Will they ever make peace?
1. To Roy

**Addressed to R. Mustang**

**Author: **MeltingMetal315

**Original Publish Date: **January 14, 2011

**Fandom: **Fullmetal Alchemist

**Pairing: **RoyEd

**Rating: **T (PG13)

**Warnings: **References to sex, yaoi (malexmale), angst, heartbreak

_**Author Notes:**__ Inspiration from an image on deviantart where Ed's writing a letter to Roy, who's in war. The majority of the piece, however, was an image using a base from that chapter of Naruto where Kushina is clutching baby Naruto (so cute!) but of Ed and Ed's mpreg baby. But RoyEd mpreg cracks me up because Ed always seems like he's PMSing XD Anyway, I liked the concept, but I can't take mpreg seriously, so I wanted to take the concept into my own hands. Well, let's do this! ;]_

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Roy-

Maybe I should call you Colonel, er, General, again. I mean, now that we're not personal anymore. But then again, here I am, writing you yet another all-too-personal letter… again.

I miss you… But I assume that you tire of reading that. I love you, you know, and I always will, even if you refuse to even look at me. I understand that I was just another lay to you… just another one night stand. And… I should understand that by now, actually, I do, but I can't make myself think the same about you.

You know, I never felt the same way as I did with you, even when I was with the other people. You were my first. After all, I was just a day seventeen. I tried it out with all of them, you know. Ling, Russell, Winry, Sceska, Mei, Lan Fan, even with Envy at one point. But none of them were the same… It was never _ever _the same. When I'm with you, not even intimately, but just in the same room even, a spark goes through my spine. I feel a warmth. I feel an attraction for us to be together.

When I was little… remember? I would come to you with all my worries and problems and I would let you see me cry. You're the only one that's seen me cry, you know, besides my mother and Al, but none of them are living now, are they? No… I don't blame you. You were only following orders. But I do resent it. I resent the fact that you're a dedicated military man and that you chose your line of work. Anyway, when I first joined the military, Mother's death still impacting me, you would have me over at your home. You would get hot milk and cookies. I'd gobble up the cookies, but not the milk. Heh, you learned that eventually. I would cry and let it all out. You would hug me and comfort me. You'd stroke my head and rub my back like a parent would with their own child. You'd tell me that everything was okay, but it would never be as great as it was before, but that you were there for me. I was so confused as to why you wouldn't just tell me that everything was great, but I understand now. You wanted to prepare me, didn't you? You know the pain, and you knew that it was futile to say that it would be all right again. You know the same pain, don't you? But I should have seen it for what it was. You lusted for me, didn't you? You wanted me, you sick fucker. I was only ten. Thank your god that you're able to hold off until I was legal… until I wanted you, too. If you had touched unwillingly, then you know that if I hadn't killed you, Al would have tortured you and _then _killed you. I hope you realize that. 'Else you'd be dead.

But… even though you took advantage of me… even though you've hurt me and abused me and slept with me so many times without showing any type of affection, I know that at some point, even for the shortest amount of time, you loved me as I loved you. I was nothing to you most of the time, just something to do at night… Literally. You made me fall for you. You were the high point of my life. I fucking loved you, you goddamn, mother-fucking bastard.

Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please…. forgive me. You don't have to acknowledge me anymore, you know. You can stop sending me money. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself now. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your financial help. Maybe you send me the money thinking it will make up for your absence. This isn't the first letter. Maybe you feel guilty and send me checks, hoping it will make up for everything.

But it won't, Roy. It won't. I just want to be with you again. I just want you to hold me and love me, like you used to. Even when it wasn't real love. Even if it was just so you didn't feel so bad for the things that you did. Goddamn, Roy, I fucking miss you. You won't even live in the same region as me anymore. Do you really hate me that much? Are you afraid to face me? Are… are you ashamed… of me?

That makes sense. You're ashamed that you ever slept with and loved a broken little boy like me, a goddamn cripple, incomplete and damaged. Maybe I'm just a charity case, hm? Well, I'll have you know that I'm perfectly capable of getting dates and such. I don't need you to pity me. I only miss you and want you with me again because… well… I love you, that's why. I don't know how to say it any other way. You're special to me, Roy. You make me feel on top of the world. Like there might actually be a heaven where we can be together forever and for all eternity. You make me feel wanted and special and protected and loved. I don't have a family anymore, I can't feel like that anymore. Even with the other partners, it's hollow and fraud.

Please stop ignoring me and at least write me back or something. I just need to hear from you.

-Ed


	2. To Ed

**Addressed to R. Mustang**

**Author: **MeltingMetal315

**Original Publish Date: **January 14, 2011

**Fandom: **Fullmetal Alchemist

**Pairing: **RoyEd

**Rating: **T (PG13)

**Warnings: **References to sex, yaoi (malexmale), angst, heartbreak, AND IT'S TERRIBLY OOC! (after all, these are emotional letters. Whenever you make Roy or Ed emotional, they get OOC. Sorry!)

_**Author Notes:**__ You asked for it. Now you got it. ;] Haha, I feel like I'm RPing with myself. Anyone want to take over the Roy side to this? I can never seem to find a good Roy RPer who's willing to start a new project. Anyway, just in case you're ever looking for an Ed, I'm you gal… er, guy! I'll pretty much do uke!Ed for any pairing almost. PM me or talk to me on my Ed Facebook (link on profile). Enough with my shameless self-promotion. On with Roy's reply!_

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Oh god, Edward. My sweet little Edward…

What have I done? I'm so sorry… I can never express how sorry and regretful I am. I care about you so much, Ed. More than you'll ever know. But you have to understand that my career was on the line! I have to become the fuhrer, you know that. Who would take me seriously if I'm in a relationship with a man fourteen years younger than me? The public won't accept it. I doubt that they'd like the fact that I'm bisexual in general.

It didn't mean nothing to me, the time we spent together. It meant _everything _to me. You say that you've never loved anyone but me? I'd say the same thing. You make me feel complete. You're like my missing puzzle piece. I need you, Ed, but I can't have you for the sake of my career. You make me smile. You make me happy. You make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I'm just so relaxed when I'm with you.

I'm not a pedophile, Ed. Your claims to my lusting after you when you were young? That's not the truth! I loved you so much Ed, but not like that. I took you into the military fully intending to take you and your brother as my wards. I didn't want you sexually, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I cared for you. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to guide you and care for you. For the love of christ (and yes I know that you don't believe in God or christ), you were barely eleven years old. You had just lost our mother! I wanted to be your alternative outlet. You were going through some pretty tough stuff at that time and I wanted you to be able to feel comfortable letting it all out. I'm more respectable then being a damned pedophile. I can't believe you think so lowly of me.

Sure, I started to feel attracted to you when you were about sixteen. But I mean, you had already started to like me in that way and you were fucking teasing me! Flirting and making suggestive comments to see how I react. That wasn't very - hm, how should I put this- …right. Up until then, I loved you as I would my own son. But then you made the first moves. You made me want to love you in a way that no parent should ever love his child. You drove me insane! I only came onto you because you wanted me to. You filled me with lust and want. I waited for you to be legal, even though you kept suggesting it throughout the year you were sixteen. You're the one that seduced me that first time.

But that's besides the point. You should know that I never went out or slept with anyone during the time we were together. You weren't a series a one night stands. You were my _lover_. Lover as in I loved you. I… I still do…

I miss you, too, you know. You know why I left? I couldn't stand to hurt you more than I had already. I didn't know if I could control myself if I saw you every day and had the opportunity to take you. I don't want to fuck you, Ed, I want to make love to you. Because I love and care for you, not just lust after you. Don't misunderstand me. Please…

I hope you realize I send those checks because I know that you can't perform alchemy anymore and because I want to make sure that you're able to make enough to live a god life. I'm single and… what? 34? I doubt I'll find a wife at this point. I have so much excess money that I don't really need. I've always lived a humble life and I don't need all those eccentric luxuries. The car's good enough for me. You're young, though. You've been through a lot and in case you're ever running low and panicking, you'll have enough money to pay the mortgage and your meals. I want to make sure that you're well taken care of in life and that you don't die of something like bankruptcy.

And really, Ed, would you really think I'd sleep with someone because of _pity_? Despite what everyone says, I am _not _a whore. I slept with you because I love you! How many times do I have to say it! I love you! I love you! I love you! You're special to me, Ed. And I don't want to hear you say those things about yourself ever. Do you understand me? If you succumb to self-loathing, everyone else will begin to hate you as well. But at this point, we all care about you. And even if everyone begins to lose confidence in you, I'll be there on your side. I'll be the first one to pick you up and tell you that I love you and I don't want you to die. I want you to be here, with me.

You've got to understand that I'm not _ignoring _or _avoiding _you, I'm just trying to protect us both.

With Love and Care,

Roy


End file.
